When I find love

Have been lonely for quite some time. My whole life changed whilst bones like yours and mine, go dancing in the woods. It's time for everything. I'll call you sweet love of mine.
Destruction is not a crime, for those who find love as a game like you and I.
We'll go dancing in the waters of all the tears we've cried.
But I'll still remember the old times.

How to not

Exhausted. I am simply exhausted.
It has been a long, but good day. Spent the afternoon in the best company ever.
Despite the chilly weather we sat outside, listening to music, catching up, and of course a lot of cigarettes was smoked. Today was soul-healing.
Still this exhaustion haunts me.
Using up all my energy on this inferiority complex, and spending every waken minute worrying about single detail of my life. Basically because I don't know how to not.

 

Guilty pleasure

Sliding my hand down my worn out bag. Feeling the small boxes of guilty pleasure, hidden by the black leather. Two packs of cigarettes. Marlboro Originals.

I could have stayed out there forever. Burning cigarettes, loud music, baking sun.
Oh, if heaven is a place on earth! I just needed the closest friend of mine.
Some quality-time with her, that would be lovely. Longing never-ending summer nights.

As we're heading towards the frosty weather and dark evenings, my mood drops along with the temperatures. What's needed now is fireplaces, warm blankets, hot beverages, good television, and candlelight, to fight off the winter-depression.

I want to live

Think about it, there must be a higher love. Without it, life is a wasted time.
Things look so bad everywhere. Nothing is fair in this world.
But where is this higher love I've been thinking of?
As the world is turning, we are just hanging on. Waiting for anything. Everything.
Because right now, and right here I just want someone to share endless conversations whilst smoking loads of cigarettes, until dawn breaks through the black sky. Just living in that moment, when only our voices, our laughter and the smoke from our cigarettes is everything that exists.
Not caring about anything. The music that breaks the silent surroundings, means something.
Even though nothing lasts; cigarettes burn out, coffee cools, people leave, songs end; just enjoy it for the moment. For the night. Live.

I am indifferent

It happens every Sunday.
When the weekend has passed, and yet another week is about to start.
We're going back to school. To work. To our daily routines.
This thing is growing inside of me. In my stomach.
This ice-cold black monster. But not the kind you check for under your bed. No, much worse.
It's fear. Fear of going back to reality. It feels like the comforting blanket, that is staying at home for two days, is being ripped away by cruel mechanic hands. It is the very same hands that forces me back on track. I don't see any sense for me to be in school - if only for education.
Because the people there, my so called "class-mates" or "friends", they couldn't care less if I'm there or not. So why should I even be there? No one gives a fuck.

I have days like these

My tea has gone cold, and I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all?
The morning rainclouds up my window, and I can't see at all.
Even if I could it would all be grey.


It is night, and the moon hangs proudly whilst I put on my make up.
It hurts. I am in pain. But pills don't heal souls.
So I go out. To cry. To feel something.

I am alive in the city-lights

Hands up in the air
Forehead against the bar
Now, we'll blow off the roof
Ending up in heaven
Where the angels cry
The city is awake
Everything is forgiven, love
Hands up in the air
We'll get drunk
Life is pointless
So who cares?
The night is beautiful
You are as the night
And I'm a winner again

I want it to stop

My eyes are burning, as the pain and dark thoughts fill up my tired head.
I have been swimming in a sea indifference, but now I feel like I'm drowning.
As the black clouds are getting thicker and thicker, my life feels more and more pointless.
Living the same day, waiting for something else to happen.
No energy, always tired.
Tired of black and grey; of problems, of overthinking.

What I want is to just relax and observe the silent waves rolling across the mirror-surface of the ocean, without worrying about hollow screams and truthful whispers.

I don't know

I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't know what to write.
I don't know what to say.
I don't know what I think. About you, about it, about anything, about anyone.

I don't know why I'm here.
I don't know where to go.
I don't know how I got here.
I don't know when I became that depressed girl.

I don't know why they talk to me.
I don't know why they don't.

I don't know why they think they know me, when
I don't even know me.

I don't know why I'm doing this to my skin. To my mind.
I don't know.

I feel empty

They just don't have any idea what it feels like, do they? The emptiness inside of you.
Because it doesn't feel like nothing. It hurts. But that pain...it just feels so pointless. Momentarily feelings, they all go away. As if they were sucked in to a black hole of indifference, that is inside of you. I feel no sincere happiness, nor sadness. It's so hard to explain. It almost feels like everything inside of you have turned grey, and is aching. Chest pains and heart ache. You're tired all if the time. Basically, I'm not feeling well. And that's what's wrong with self harm, it actually helps for a while.

I am addicted to music

Music is

 

Beautiful

Awakening

Inspiring

Moving

Touching

Art

Peaceful

Universal

Evolutional
Passion
Intense
Freeing

Life

Everything

 

 

I believe that music is an universal language of passion. And I am completely defenceless to it's power. I believe its the most magnificent gifts humankind have ever been given.
Music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy, said Beethoven and I couldn't agree more. I've always been jealous of people who had a strong faith in a religion, because I was never able to believe in what the priest said in church. But I know what I can always turn to.

Music is my religion.

I don't trust tomorrows

Tomorrow is such a foolish concept.
Because nothing really changes. 23.59 is no different than 00.00. It's the same shit all over again.
My monsters doesn't disappear over night. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, they're all the same. I might laugh a little harder on Wednesday and cry a longer on Friday, but late every night it's the same empty hearted girl crying in her bed, until the next dawn comes, and everything repeats. And nothing seems to change that.

I am so confused

So my ex-boyfriend and I hung out for a few hours tonight. We did some very bad stuff, oh fuck... We're both very confused and I'm not sure if we should try again as a couple or just be friends? So much for love

I know why

People don't even remember the time I told them I was a cutter.
They don't even notice the rubberband I always wear around my wrist.
They don't even see my tiny scars on my arms.

They don't care.

...hate myself

I hate the way I look. I hate my disgusting fat body. How could I let myself get so big..
I'm so jealous of everyone with a small figure. And how it seems so easy for them. I have to fight my urge to eat unhealthy, and I have to push myself to exercise. Some girls can just eat whatever they want, of course some puts a lot of effort into being skinny, but still... I wish I had a willpower like that.
I'm a believer of the theory of people unconsciously judging others by their appearance. Even though you don't realize it yourself. But I trust that I would have much more friends if I had a smaller body.
Oh, my life would be amazing if I had figure that looked good. It's on the top of my wish list.
Why does it have to be so hard?!
We live in a world where the ideal woman is skinny as hell. Sure, I think too that I have to have thin body to be good enough. But young girls like me all think that we need to be skinny and pretty to fit in. I know so many girls who has massive issues with their body, including myself.

I'm going to do my best to exercise and eat healthier. Please God, let me succeed this time. I can't stand looking like this anymore. I pray that you will stand by me on my road to transformation. Take away my hunger. Help me activate myself. I don't want to live in this body anymore. I can't look like this anymore. I can't take it anymore.

...just got home from Berlin

Went on a class-trip to Germany last week and I came home on Thursday.
I had really been looking forward to it, and I guess it went okay. But at some points it was horrible. I felt so left out. I should also mention that my recently ex-boyfriend is in my class, and of course he tried his best to hook up with a German girl.
It's about a week or two since I broke up with him. So we're still pretty vulnerable, but since he still loves me, he saw this trip a possibility to flirt with a lot of girls to "get over  me", or so he says.
The only thing is that one moment he was hanging out with other girls to move on, but then at the other moment he was all over me, telling me he misses me, that he still loves me and is really in love with me. Which leaves me CONFUSED!
Up until not long ago I was 100% sure that it was the right decision to break up, but now - I don't know - I'm not so sure anymore.

Well, that was one part of the study-trip, but other parts was shit too.
My best friend in class and I are usually always hanging out, just me and her, but suddenly the most popular guy in our class was really interested in her. Of course she was enjoying the attention, but whilst she was caught up in her spot in the popular-clique I was left on my own. And of no one even noticed me walking around alone all the time, and that has a very simple explanation: no one gives a fuck about me.

...am hurting

My life isn't great. It's, complete shit, to be honest. I'm depressed actually.
My chest is hurting all the time, and I don't even know, for sure, why I'm so sad. It's like, nothing is wrong, but nothing is right either, you know? I have sacrs on my left arm. They're from a year ago, but lately I've been using some selfharm methods that doesn't leave permanent marks.
People know about my scars and so, but I don't really talk to anyone about them. I have one friend whom I can tell everything to, but I still feel ever so lonely.
I'm not a popular kid at school, I'm not pretty or skinny, I'm not that funny nor interesting to talk to. On the contrary I'm one of those people who are just there. I'm really not attractive, and I am fat, and not to mention my bad looks I'm socially awkward as well.

Hm, that's my life, but there will be loads of boring details later.
So to you, my non-existing readers, have a good night.